


My Heart Still Loves, Will Break

by BrighteyedJill



Category: Valdemar Series - Mercedes Lackey
Genre: Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 08:18:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2844302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrighteyedJill/pseuds/BrighteyedJill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After escaping from Master Dark's servants, Vanyel, Stefen, and Yfandes hole up in the caves of the kyree Hot Springs Clan to recover. But if Vanyel cannot face his demons, he won't be strong enough for what's to come. And what's more, he won't be able to let Stefen in again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Heart Still Loves, Will Break

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lisabounce](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lisabounce/gifts).



> Title from the Poem [Words For Love](http://april-is.tumblr.com/post/87760564/april-2-2007-words-for-love-ted-berrigan) by Ted Berrigan.

Soaking in a warm spring with three twinkling balls of light overhead, Vanyel could almost imagine he was in k’Treva instead of the subterranean dwelling place of the kyree Hot Springs Clan. He pushed his bare toes into the sandy bottom of the pool. The sensation against his skin didn’t make him flinch, as it would have a few days ago. He was re-learning all the ways his body could feel things other than pain. 

On Vanyel’s first visit to k’Treva, the pools had seemed so foreign to a boy born of keeps and cities. _I could have stayed there…_ The thought came with a wave of homesickness for a time before all this. But no, that had been part of the long, lonely time before Stefen, and Vanyel would not wish himself back to a time before Stef came into his life. 

Stef, who had been a solid, patient presence at his side these last days. Who had held Van at night, asking nothing of him, offering comfort.  
\--

Unearthly music echoed down the stone corridor: the thump of kyree drums and the drone from their throats, with Stef’s baritone as a descant. 

:You will not join the circle tonight?: Hyrryl melted out of the semi-darkness at the mouth of the cave. Vanyel might have found it uncanny that something so white could move so stealthily, but he’d spend enough years around Yfandes to take it in stride. 

Vanyel shook his head. “I’m no fit company.”

Hyrryl pushed her nose towards him and huffed. :You think you do not deserve to be happy again:

“I killed…” A lump formed in Vanyel’s throat, and he found he could not speak. He had to face telling Hyrrl with his mind. :More than just Master Dark’s servants. There was a boy there, a captive. And a Healer.:

:You were sore hurt. The mind can only stand so much strain.:

:I used my mind well enough. I would have made that man gut himself. If Stef hadn’t--:

“Listen, now. Last winter a young FarRanger of the clan was caught by a metal trap, such that men make for hunting. When help came, so gone from herself was she that she lashed out at her rescuers. One lost an eye. She should be punished for this?:

“No.”

:No. Then consider my words.: She looked over her shoulder. :The evening’s entertainment is ending. Your Bard’s voice is tired.: She fixed him with a blue-eyed stare. :Think on what I have said.:  
\--

:There.: Aroon stopped at edge of the ridge. :Where the trees part.:

Yfandes picked her way through the snow, closer to the edge of the ridge. After so many days of being underground, it felt good to ride again. Vanyel shifted in the saddle, moving with his Companion automatically. “Then the pass isn’t as far as I’d feared.”

:It is too close for my comfort, if what you say comes to happen.: Aroon raised his head to scent the wind, as if he wished he could smell the danger coming. 

:He will not come to Valdemar.: Yfandes’ mind-voice rang with certainty.

:I hope you are right, white sister. I will leave you to contemplate.: Aroon trotted off, back into the narrow mouth of the cave.

:A silver for your thoughts, Chosen?:

:I’m ready. The three of us should talk—you, Stef, and me. Then we should leave. As soon as possible.:

Yfandes pawed at the snow a moment before stilling. Vanyel could hear the hesitance in her mind voice. :If you do not want--:

:I am ready, ‘Fandes.: He breathed in the cold air of gathering winter. :I am.:  
\--

That night, when Vanyel came to Stefen’s bed, he sought more than sleep. He wanted to reclaim every part of Stef, and to be reclaimed in return. He was surprised to find Stef trembling beneath him, hungry, almost desperate for Vanyel’s touch. 

This, too, Vanyel remembered. Stef didn’t hesitate to touch him, didn’t hold back as if Van were broken or tainted. He gave every part of himself freely, wantonly, and that made Van want to give back as much and more. He could play Stef’s body as beautifully as Stef played a gittern, a touch there, a caress here, his fingers just so to make Stef’s flesh sing. 

After they finished, lying warm and tangled together, skin to skin, Vanyel closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of Stef, memorizing every detail of this moment to store up against what was to come. Whatever he had to do now, he could do it.


End file.
